Recently, a friend confided in me that her fiancé was struggling to stay faithful to her. He loved her and truly wanted to marry her, but he had cheated on her and couldn’t seem to stop himself from hunting for hookups whenever she wasn’t around. She was confused and unsure what to do. On the outside, it looked like he had everything—a great career, a beautiful home, a loving partner—but something still wasn’t right.
Without even talking to this man, I knew him, and I knew his story.
I knew he wasn’t a “bad” man. I knew his cheating had nothing to do with wanting or needing sex. I knew he was just scared to be alone.
I knew that deep inside of him, in places he didn’t understand yet, there was a boy—his own young self—who desperately needed connection, love, and safety. Some traumatic childhood experience had probably interrupted his emotional development at some stage. Now, as an adult, part of him was still locked in that trauma, compulsively searching for ways to soothe the pain.
I knew all of this because I was once that man. I lived that same story. And since I published the memoir of my own addiction to porn and sex, Silicon Valley Porn Star, I’ve talked with hundreds of people who share this struggle.
After all those conversations, I’m convinced that inside every person who cheats, or who is stuck in an addiction, or who commits violence, is a scared young child…and the only way to solve the problem is to help that inner child grow up.
The Pain is Buried Deep
Ten years ago, if you had asked me to recount my childhood traumas, I would have laughed. What traumas? I wasn’t abused. I didn’t grow up in poverty. I never suffered any terrifying accident or natural disaster.
Yes, my parents divorced when I was young, and my mother and step-father had their issues at times, but I turned out okay, right? Good grades, a great career, a wife and child. I was fine.
At that point, my inner pain was still buried so deep that I didn’t even know it existed. But it was starting to wreak havoc in my life, fueling an ever-escalating addiction to porn and sex that I had been keeping secret for years.
I kept telling myself my behavior was normal, pointing to all the other men who looked at porn and cheated on their partners. On some level, though, I knew I had a problem. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. I would feel disgusted with myself and swear never to do it again, only to find myself engaging in even riskier behavior a few months later.
It made no sense to me. The things I was doing weren’t even satisfying. They didn’t make me feel good at all—only ashamed, empty, and alone. Why couldn’t I control myself?
The answer only came when I got caught. I finally had to face my addiction head-on, and thankfully, I had the help of an experienced life coach who had helped many people like me. I didn’t yet know where my inner demons came from, but she did.
We dove deep into my childhood, and the hidden pain we found there stunned me. The sense of abandonment when my father moved away…the fear of my step-father’s anger…the confusion and sadness over my mother’s depression…it all affected me more than I ever admitted, even to myself. More than once, I bawled like a child as I relived those moments in sessions with her, finally allowing myself to fully experience the pain I had suppressed my entire life.
Your Inner Child Needs Help
That pain didn’t justify any of my bad behavior, but it did help to explain it. Deep inside me, there was a little boy who had never really grown up. He was scared, lonely, and reaching desperately for connection, or anything that might make his painful feelings go away.
A different person might have turned to alcohol or drugs. They might have lashed out at others or hurt themselves. My compulsion of choice just happened to be porn and sex. In the end, the problem isn’t really about the behavior itself—it’s about the pain the behavior is masking.
The behavior is so hard to control because that child consciousness is self-centered and immature. Its needs are insatiable. It reaches for short-term relief without regard for long-term consequences. When the urge to indulge arises, you forget about all the logical reasons to ignore it because the grown-up you isn’t in charge anymore.
Once the urge has been satisfied temporarily, your adult consciousness resurfaces, and you’re left with shame and self-loathing. You deny and shun the inner child, leaving it to suffer alone. The pain keeps festering away deep down, until it becomes too much and bubbles to the surface again.
The only way to escape this cycle is to help your inner child grow up. You can’t go back and erase your trauma, but you can take your young self by the hand and lead them out of it.
Be the Caretaker You Needed
My recovery began when I acknowledged the scared little boy inside me. With the help of my life coach, I went inside the memories I had been avoiding. I sat by the side of my young self and allowed him to fully experience his fears and frustrations, his confusion and anger. I gave him the comfort and care he had been missing. Bit by bit, that little boy began to heal.
And as I learned to be in service to him, to be a caretaking adult inside the universe of my psyche, I started to heal too.
I learned that my secrets and lies were actually the snare keeping me trapped in my addictive cycle—not just the secrets I knew about, but also the secrets that had been hidden from my conscious mind. By integrating those hidden parts of me into my consciousness, I became a more mature and aware version of myself. Gradually, I transitioned from boy-consciousness, which is focused on its own needs, to a more mature consciousness, which is focused on serving others.
This was a big mountain to climb, but the higher I went, the less I hurt myself. And the less I hurt myself, the less I hurt the people around me.
So I climbed. And I climbed. And I’m still climbing. Every week, I continue looking for vestiges of that boy inside of me. What does he need? What is he scared of? As I see that boy and give him what he needs, he grows. And as he grows, I grow. I grow in maturity. I grow in consciousness. I grow in love.
Embrace Mature Consciousness
A mature man—a man who fully embodies his mature masculine consciousness—knows himself. He trusts himself. He is comfortable being alone with himself. He exists to be in service to his family, his community, and the world. He is not violent. He does not get lost in an addiction designed to medicate his pain or distract him from his emotions.
A man like this does not struggle to remain faithful to his fiancée.
That’s what I thought about when my friend told me her story. I knew that if her fiancé could see the scared boy inside himself and initiate that boy into mature masculinity, he would grow in consciousness. His relationship problem would naturally fall away. It would be that simple.
This is a deep, spiritual process, one that can only happen in solitude or with the guidance of other men and women who have been initiated into mature adulthood. It demands persistence, patience, and vulnerability. It is not easy…but it is absolutely worth it. Thanks to this journey, I am a better version of myself: more powerful, more present, and more focused on serving others. And as I grow in consciousness, the need for my addiction continues to fall away.
Love Your Inner Child
I can’t help believing my journey is not unique. I believe many of us have scared boys and girls that still live inside of us. If we all made an effort to see those children, we could help them grow into their mature masculinity or femininity. If we did this, we would all feel more connected to each other. We would be less violent with each other. We would be in service to each other. We would be less likely to destroy our habitats. And we will be less likely to take our dangerous tendencies with us one day when we inhabit other planets.
So, I invite you: Close your eyes for a few moments when you lay down in bed tonight, and go searching inside yourself for your young boy or girl. Spend some time with them. Ask them what they need. If they’re scared or confused, give them a hug. Help them feel loved and safe.
Once you do this, you can fall asleep knowing you have just integrated another small part of yourself, and you will wake up as a new, more conscious being in the morning.
I wish you well as you continue your climb.
