“What’s something you’re afraid to say out loud?”
The first time the facilitator asked that question, it stopped me in my tracks. What idea—or what truth—was so frightening that I couldn’t even put it into words? What was I hiding…or hiding from?
I was at a weekend men’s retreat called MELT: Men’s Emotional Leadership Training. It was hosted by EVRYMAN, an organization dedicated to helping men find deeper connection and live more fulfilling lives. (FYI: I’m not an affiliate, just a member who appreciates what they do and loves to share it with others.) Multiple times over the two-day event, the facilitators encouraged us to say the things we had always kept inside—to speak our unspeakable.
It’s a big ask. In our culture, most men get little education or practice in skills like self-awareness and emotional vulnerability. The standard response to an uncomfortable idea or memory is to turn away, ignore, and suppress. We shun those little pieces of ourselves, and they become invisible weights, dragging us down and holding us back from our full potential.
I did that for most of my life, and I’ve spent the last decade trying to learn a different way. I’ve shared dark secrets and voiced deep fears, not just with my loved ones, but with strangers too—first in addiction recovery groups and later with the whole world through my book, Silicon Valley Porn Star: A Memoir of Redemption and Rediscovering the Self.
Still, when the retreat facilitators asked this question, I knew instantly that my answer was not “Nothing“. Even after years of work on discovering and sharing my true self, there were still things I was afraid to say…even to think, to be honest.
I didn’t muster the courage to speak my unspeakable until the second day of the retreat, in a breakout session with two other men. I told them something I’d been afraid to even admit to myself, much less to anyone else. I was so afraid to say it that I mumbled it out too quietly, and they both asked me to repeat it louder. I was terrified, but I looked up at the sky, took a deep breath, stood up straighter, looked squarely at them…and just said it.
And then an amazing thing happened: They just listened. And they heard me. And they saw me. Then they both shared their unspeakables, and we all hugged each other.
When the session ended, I walked back into the retreat center feeling a deep sense of peace and relief. I had been so scared to share my truth, but the fear was all in my head. It wasn’t real. By speaking my unspeakable out loud, I was also admitting it to myself, and in doing so I was honoring a tiny piece of myself that I’d kept hidden. I was integrating another fragment of my “self,” taking one more step toward being a whole and integrated human.
Back home a few days later, I was on a call with a CEO I work with, and something gave me the sense that he was holding something back. There was something he didn’t want to say, maybe because he didn’t even want to admit it to himself. So I asked him, “What is your unspeakable? What are you afraid to say out loud?” It took some time for him to build the courage to say it, but soon it came out, and he had a breakthrough “ah ha!” moment that brought the clarity and direction he’d been seeking. I felt honored to have been part of his realization.
What’s your unspeakable? What is something you’re afraid to say out loud?
It could be anything, but there are some common themes. Relationships are a big one; for example, you might be in a romance, a friendship, or a business partnership that needs to end. It could be something around sex; maybe you have a sexual desire or behavior you’re embarrassed to admit. You might have an unspeakable around money; perhaps you have financial issues you’re afraid to confront.
Don’t worry about why you’re afraid to say it—just try to identify what it is. Can you say it out loud to yourself in a room alone? Can you write it in your journal? Can you ask your best friend to hold space for you so you can say it out loud and not feel judged?
Speaking your unspeakable will release something inside of you. Something you’ve been holding back, or that’s been blocking you. And afterward, you may feel a sense of peace and relief, because you will have taken another small step toward integrating all of your fragments into a more unified whole—and it will be beautiful.
You are loved. You are safe. Speak your unspeakable. And don’t stop climbing your mountain.
